Healthy and positive communication is the key to most healthy relationships. While there are going to be arguments and disagreements even in the most healthy relationships, there are tools to know, learn, and master that can help to decrease those conflicts and increase a level of understanding that may not have been there before. With pretty much every single couple that I work with, we talk about communication in one way or another; whether their main goals are to work on that or not, communication typically plays a role in why they are not at the place they want to be within the relationship. Let’s look at five communication techniques, what they mean, and some examples of how to implement them in real-life conflicts.
1. Reflective and Active Listening
Listening is one of the most important aspects of communication and a healthy relationship. Both reflective listening and active listening can help build a deeper understanding and emotional connection between you and your partner. Active listening means fully engaging with what your partner is saying without distractions, interruptions, and/or planning your response while they are talking. It involves eye contact, nodding, verbal affirmations, and responding in a way that shows you are present and engaging. Reflective listening takes active listening a step further by repeating or paraphrasing what your partner said to confirm your understanding. This can help your partner feel heard and allows for clarification if needed. Here are some examples of active listening and reflective listening.
Active listening → Partner: “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed at work lately, and I don’t know how to handle it.”
Response: “I hear you. It sounds like things have been really stressful for you. What’s been the hardest part?”
By asking a follow-up question and acknowledging their feelings, you show that you’re not just hearing their words but that you are truly trying to understand their experience.
Reflective listening → Partner: “I feel like I do everything around the house, and it’s exhausting.”
Response: “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you’re carrying more than your fair share of responsibilities.”
This response reflects their feelings back to them rather than jumping to solutions or getting defensive. It allows them to clarify or expand on what they meant. You can even take it a step further by asking a follow up question.
“I”statements
“I” statements are a way of expressing feelings and concerns without placing blame or accusing your partner. They help to create a more constructive and open dialogue by focusing on your emotions and experiences rather than pointing fingers. This helps to reduce defensiveness and encourages empathy and understanding by clearly communicating feelings and needs. Using “I” statements also helps to promote solutions (if that’s what’s wanted) by offering a constructive way to express concerns. When we lead with our own feelings, it helps to strengthen that emotional connection by fostering and allowing for open and honest conversations, no matter how difficult.
The structure of an “I” statement is typically, “I feel (emotion) when (specific behavior) because (impact it has on you). I would appreciate (what you would like instead).” Here are some examples that may help you to form your own “I’ statements when expressing your feelings or thoughts to your partner.
Instead of: “You never help around the house.”
Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do most of the housework because I need more balance. It would mean a lot to me if we could share the responsibilities more evenly.”
Instead of: “You don’t care about my feelings.”
Try: “I feel hurt when my emotions are dismissed because I want to feel understood and supported. I’d appreciate it if we could talk through things more openly.”
Instead of: “You always cancel plans with me.”
Try: “I feel disappointed when our plans get canceled because I look forward to spending time together. Can we find a way to prioritize our time?”
Tone/body language
Communication is not just about words; tone and body language play a huge role in how messages are received. Even if you say the right words, your tone of voice and nonverbal cues can either strengthen or weaken your message. Tone refers to the way you say something, including your volume, pitch, and emotional inflection. A gentle, warm tone can convey love and understanding, while a harsh or sarcastic tone can create tension and misunderstandings. Body language includes facial expressions, posture, gestures, and eye contact. It can reinforce what you’re saying or contradict it entirely.
Examples of how tone can positively and negatively impact communication:
Saying: “I’m fine.”
With a soft, calm tone likely means you truly are fine
With a sharp, clipped tone may signal that you’re upset, even if the words say otherwise
Saying: “Can we talk?”
With a warm, inviting tone encourages open conversation
With a cold, frustrated tone may make your partner feel anxious or defensive
Saying: “I love you.”
With a loving, affectionate tone can help strengthen intimacy
With a distracted, monotone voice may make it feel less meaningful
Examples of how body language can positively and negatively impact communication:
Having crossed arms and avoiding eye contact while saying, “I’m not mad.”
The words say one thing, but the body language suggests the other
Smiling and maintaining eye contact while saying, “I really appreciate you.”
The body language aligns with the message, making it feel genuine.
Rolling your eyes while responding, “Sure, I’ll help you.”
Even if the words are agreeable, the eye roll signals annoyance and resentment.
Take a timed break
Taking a timed break means stepping away from a conversation, a conflict, or an emotionally charged situation for a set period of time to help cool down, reflect, and return with a clearer mindset. It’s a structured pause, not an open-ended break, to help prevent heated arguments from escalating while ensuring both partners feel heard and respected. A timed break is not about avoiding issues or withdrawing from the relationship. Instead, it allows both individuals to regain emotional control, gather their thoughts, and return with a more constructive approach to communication.
Recognizing that you need a break versus actually implementing a timed break can be the challenging part. Here’s some steps to help you and your partner utilize this strategy when needed:
Acknowledge the need for a break: When emotions start to run high, communicate that a break is necessary instead of shutting down or storming off.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret, so let’s take a short break and come back in 30 minutes.”
Sometimes even having a code word or phrase that both of you understand as meaning this is a point where both could benefit from a timed break
Agree on a specific timeframe: Setting a clear time prevents the break from turning into an avoidance. Depending on the intensity of the situation, it can be anywhere from 15 minutes, an hour, or even overnight if needed.
“Let’s take an hour to cool off, and then we can check back in with each other at 7pm.”
Use the break wisely: Instead of stewing in frustration, engage in activities that help regulate emotions.
Things like deep breathing, journaling, taking a walk, or listening to relaxing music. Try to avoid replaying the argument in your mind or venting in a way that may fuel your anger.
Come back and reconnect: When the break ends, return to the conversation with a calmer mindset and a willingness to listen.
“I appreciate the break. I’ve had time to think, and I want to work through this together in a better way.
Respect each other’s need for space: If one partner requests a break, the other should honor it. Even if you have more to say, pressuring someone to talk and listen before they’re ready can sometimes make things worse.
Express love and empathy
Showing love and empathy throughout communication means actively showing your partner that you care, trying to understand their feelings, and supporting them however they need, both in words and actions. It helps create emotional safety, increases trust, and deepens the overall connection in the relationship. When love and empathy are present in communication, even when having more conflictual communication, partners more often feel heard, valued, and emotionally connected. Here are some common and simple ways to show love and empathy throughout communication with your partner.
Use words of affirmation, like complimenting, appreciating, and reassuring your partner.
“I love the way you always make me laugh. You bring so much joy into my life.”
Checking in regularly; asking about their day, feelings and overall well-being
“Hey, I know you had a long day. Do you want to talk about it?”
Express love in conflict. Reassure your partner that love remains, even in disagreements.
“I know we don’t see eye to eye on this, but I love you, and I want to find a solution or place of understanding together.”
Validating feelings instead of fixing. Showing that you understand rather than rushing to solve the problem can make a world of difference.
“I hear you. You’ve been juggling a lot, and I can understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
Being present and attentive; making eye contact, nodding, and eliminating distractions when listening to your partner.
Putting the phone away and giving your full attention when your partner is speaking.
Again, conflicts are going to happen, the key is knowing what to do when it does. By utilizing these tools, being aware of our tone and body language, and leading with love and empathy, couples can create a stronger foundation and emotional connection. The more effort you put into healthy communication, the stronger and more fulfilling your relationship will become.
Written By,
Emily Blair, ALMFT
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