Do you feel like you’re having the same conversations over and over in therapy? Does it feel like you finally came to understand and recognize an unhelpful pattern but you keep engaging in that pattern? Maybe you felt great after having a breakthrough and then went home and did the thing you just learned wasn’t serving you. These are things that have come up a lot in some of my sessions lately. I often hear people express frustrations when change doesn’t happen as quickly as they’d like or when the clarity that comes from gaining new understanding doesn’t always result in massive behavior change right away. Understanding the roots of unhelpful patterns and recognizing how those patterns play out in our day-to-day lives, while a crucial part of therapy, is only part of the battle. Of course, we can’t change those patterns unless we know they’re happening- so gaining more understanding is important. But, it's only the first step of the journey! Let’s talk about how to navigate this!
How did this pattern come to be?
Understanding the roots of patterns that aren't serving us anymore can be very helpful because it can help us understand the need we try to meet when we engage in that pattern. While these patterns may not always be the healthiest or the most efficient, they meet a want or need and that’s why we keep using them. Once we can understand the want or need that we are trying to meet, we can then begin to explore other ways to achieve that. We can also reflect on whether this want or need still needs to be met.
Old Habits Die Hard
You know what they say, old habits die hard. This is true for most things- including the patterns we are working to change in therapy! If you’re a client of mine, you’ve probably heard me say “you’ve been thinking or behaving this way for so many years, it’s going to take more than a couple therapy sessions to unwire that” multiple times- maybe so many times that you now roll your eyes at me when I say it. Our brains like to keep doing what they know to do because it’s familiar and it’s probably served us in the past. Just like a baseball player needs hundreds of swings to practice a new batting stance, our brains need a lot of opportunities to try new strategies before we can use them with ease and regularity.
Set reasonable goals
Okay, we’ve labeled what needs/wants our unhelpful patterns meet and we’ve started to explore other ways to meet those needs/wants. We also are keeping in mind that it will take time to make the changes we want. But, how do we actually make that change? It’s time to think about setting reasonable goals and practicing patience! The first thing I assess for with clients is how much time or how many instances each day or week clients engage in that pattern. Then, we set small goals each day to slowly decrease the amount of time they engage in the unhelpful pattern while slowly increasing the amount of time they engage in the helpful pattern. So, if someone spends 3 hours a day worrying about whether or not their boss is going to yell at them, we set small goals to practice the new skill(s) for 5-10 minutes each day with the goal of decreasing worry time by a minute or two each day. This seems small, but in a week that could add up to 7-14 minutes of non-worry time they didn’t have before. After a month, that is 30-60 minutes of non-worry time they didn’t have before. For a pattern that’s likely been present for a decade or more, decreasing its presence by up to a third in a month is significant! Small changes each day add up quickly!
Change isn’t perfectly linear
Okay, I know all these silly cliches are annoying, but I don’t care! Rome wasn't built in a day! Even with the most dedicated practice and efforts, change doesn't happen in a perfectly linear upward pattern. Set this expectation from the start. Just like an athlete may have a setback from an injury or a guitarist might break a string in the middle of a great practice session, we might get thrown off of our rhythm because life happens. That work stress we felt yesterday that was manageable with our new coping skills might feel less manageable today because our boss threw a massive project with a short deadline on our lap this morning. These are learning experiences! Even if the worry time didn’t decrease from yesterday to today, we need these moments to help us understand when we are more likely to get thrown off course or need more support. Learning moments are important!
While I wish that change was easy and we could all simply snap our fingers and make it happen quickly. But, alas, we cannot! But focusing on one step at a time and recognizing the small steps we take each day can help us stay focused and remember the progress we are making!
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Alyssa Onan, LPC
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