Practical Approaches to Resolving Conflicts in Relationships
Conflict is inevitable. Even in the healthiest relationship you can think of, they probably have a few things they disagree on or don’t see eye-to-eye on. But, just because it is bound to come up at times does not mean that it will always lead to a huge blow-up or a screaming argument. There are ways to work through conflict and tense moments in practical and healthy ways that don't shake the stability of the relationship. In previous blogs, we’ve talked about certain things that can cause conflict, like infidelity, communication issues, blending families, etc., and we’ve also talked about identifying if conflict is solvable or perpetual and how to utilize self-soothing techniques to help yourself individually calm down in those moments.
This blog is here to talk through conflict resolution skills to try at home if you and your partner find yourself having the same fight over and over again, or identifying that you are using bad habits but are having trouble changing them in those moments. While we cannot necessarily always stop conflict from arising, we can communicate through it more effectively, provide acknowledgement and understanding to one another, and find mutually productive solutions if able to. Let’s talk through some techniques that can be helpful in your relationship in resolving conflict.
Active and Reflective Listening:
Oftentimes in a relationship and many other situations, we may think we are listening to what the other person is saying, but are you actively listening? That means listening without interruption and giving the speaker your full, undivided attention. Give your partner the space to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting. This shows respect and ensures you are doing your best to fully understand their perspective before jumping in with your own response.
Reflective listening is something that is used to help minimize misunderstandings and continue to work on actively listening. Repeat back the main point of what you’ve heard your partner say to confirm your understanding of what they are trying to say and ask clarifying questions if needed. This can help to prevent miscommunications and shows that you’re engaged throughout the conversation.
Utilize I-statements:
The purpose of I-statements is to avoid placing blame on someone else and helps to focus on the problem rather than the person. Focus on your feelings about the situation rather than on what the other person did. Use these statements to express how you feel without blaming or criticizing your partner.
For example, say “I feel hurt (insert any emotion) when…” instead of saying something like “You always…” This approach can help to avoid accusations and keep the conversation focused on your emotions and needs rather than attacking your partner, which can often lead to defensiveness and contempt.
Take a Timed Break:
It can be important to be able to take a break when things are getting too heated in a conversation. At some point, one or both partners will not be receptive to what is being said, which can lead to a conversation that ends up going nowhere. This is where taking a timed break can be important. Have a code word with your partner or just both agree to take a break when one of you states that they need one. Don’t try and get one last word in, but instead, acknowledge that both of you could benefit from taking some time to de-escalate.
During that timed break, utilize self-soothing techniques to help yourself calm down in order to come back to that conversation in a better headspace. An equally important part of taking a timed break is actually coming back to the conversation once you’ve calmed down. Some partner’s can feel like conversations never get resolved or they leave them feeling unheard when they take a break. Intentionally coming back after taking time to de-escalate can lead to more productive and healthier conversations and can show one another that you want to focus on understanding.
Those are some concrete techniques you and your partner can utilize in the moment when conflict arises or either of you feel like the conversation has gotten to an unproductive point. Let’s talk through some other important factors and things to keep in mind when navigating through disagreements.
It can really change the direction of the conversation when you focus on the issue, not the person. Try to make sure you separate the problem from your partner so that you are avoiding directly placing blame on one another. Focus on addressing the specific issue at hand rather than attacking your partner’s character. This can help keep the conflict as constructive as possible. Also, avoid generalizations and all-or-nothing language. Refrain from using words like “always” or “never,” as they can exaggerate the issue and lead to unnecessary defensiveness. I also like to remind couples that things are rarely “always” or “never,” and it’s important to keep that in mind.
Staying calm and composed can show your partner that you are willing to talk through a disagreement without having it blown out of proportion. If emotions are running high, as mentioned above, take a break to cool down before continuing the conversation. Both of your feelings are valid but your reactions may not be. Speak in a calm and respectful tone, even if you’re upset. This can set the stage for a more productive and less confrontational discussion, as well as prevent conflict from escalating.
Find common ground and identify shared goals. When you and your partner both look for areas of agreement or common interests that you can build upon, this can help to shift the focus from differences to solutions. The goal is also to try and find solutions that work for both parties, so collaborate on them. Work together to brainstorm solutions that address both partners’ needs. This collaborative approach encourages teamwork and mutual respect.
Take responsibility for your own actions. Acknowledge your role, and take responsibility for your part in the conflict, whether it’s through an action you took or something you said. This shows maturity and a willingness to work toward resolution. Also, apologize sincerely. If you’ve made a mistake or hurt your partner, even unintentionally, offer a genuine apology. Acknowledging your mistakes can go a long way in healing the relationship.
Stay on one topic at a time. Stick to the issue at hand without dragging in past conflicts or other issues. Bringing up other grievances can derail the conversation and make resolution more difficult. Try to keep the discussion focused on finding a resolution rather than rehashing the problem or assigning blame. When one partner brings up something that has been bothering them, it can feel dismissive to have their partner bring up something else in the middle of that conversation, leaving both partners feelings unheard and frustrated.
Seek a win-win solution. Look for solutions that satisfy both partners’ needs, rather than one person “winning” the argument. This can help increase fairness and balance within the relationship. With that being said, sometimes, finding a resolution means meeting in the middle. Be open to compromise and finding a solution that works for both of you, even if you both don’t get 100% of what you want.
Lead with empathy and compassion. Remember that you two love each other, even though you may be angry with one another at the moment. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their feelings and point of view. This can help you respond with more compassion and understanding. Also, acknowledge and validate their feelings. Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s perspective, validate their feelings by acknowledging that their emotions are real and important. That can go a long way for your partner and can allow them to be more open to your feelings and what you have to say as well.
Conflict resolution is a crucial skill in maintaining a healthy and strong relationship. By implementing these techniques, couples can approach disagreements in a constructive and respectful way, leading to stronger communication, deeper understanding, and more effective problem-solving. Remember, the goal is not to avoid conflict altogether but to handle it in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than hurts it.
Written By,
Emily Blair, ALMFT
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