Introduction
Wait wait wait- perfectionism is a good thing, right? Don’t we all want everything to turn out perfectly all the time? Sure, in an ideal world, aiming for perfection may seem like the quickest path to success. But the reality is that perfectionism often sets an impossibly high standard, leading to frustration and self-criticism. What happens when the standards for success are set too high? When the bar is constantly set at “perfect”, it can take a toll on mental health. Striving for perfection can increase a person’s stress, anxiety, and even depression. For children who are still developing confidence and self-worth, perfectionism can lead to lifelong struggles. In this article, we will discuss how perfectionism can impact a child or adolescent, how parents influence their thoughts and behaviors, and how therapy may help.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is characterized by a person having exceptionally high standards and a preoccupation with avoiding failure. It can manifest in different ways such as setting unrealistic goals, being overly self-critical, feeling intense pressure, and behaving outside of your means to achieve your goals. For example, a child may feel such intense pressure to get a good grade that they stay up all night studying, which leads to poor functioning and increased anxiety. Another example of ways that perfectionism impacts behavior is when a child is so fearful that they will fail, that they will procrastinate or avoid the task that they are meant to complete. Many people may think that perfectionism is the same as having high standards. However, there is a critical difference between perfectionism and “striving for excellence”.
Difference Between Perfectionism and Striving for Excellence
Perfectionism is often identifiable when a child experiences a fear of failure or mistakes, sets unrealistic goals, or is driven by the need for external rewards (such as grades). However, a child who is striving for excellence is focused on growth regardless of setbacks, sets achievable standards, and looks to learn from any potential mistakes.
Here is a great article that explains this!
How to address perfectionism as parents:
Understanding the impact of perfectionism is the first step for parents. Many parents may unknowingly reinforce perfectionist tendencies. Reflecting on your parenting style is crucial. Consider how you talk to your child about their efforts and achievements. Do you focus on praise of their hard work or do you focus on the outcome of their achievements? It is also important to ensure that your expectations are age appropriate. Many parents may expect their children to make certain achievements, when they developmentally are not ready yet. An example may be expecting your child to be an outstanding athlete who outperforms even older athletes, when realistically your child’s body is still developing and they may not physically be able to do what older athletes can. Additionally, it is important for parents to consider how they discuss failure. Do you discuss it as a learning opportunity or something that must not happen? Encouraging your child to see failure as a natural part of life can help them to build resilience and learn from their mistakes. In therapy, we call this a “growth mindset”. Modeling this growth mindset can help your child to learn that making mistakes is okay and that they can enjoy the activities that they are engaging in despite any setbacks.
How we might address perfectionism in sessions:
Therapy can be a valuable tool in helping youth begin to identify their perfectionist thoughts and behaviors. The process often begins with learning about perfectionism, what it is, how it manifests, and how it differs from “striving for excellence”. We may then begin to explore how perfectionism exists in their thoughts and behaviors. For example, we might identify that a child will think “I need to get an A+ on all of my assignments. I’m a failure if I don’t.”, which may lead to them studying every chance that they get, ultimately making them feel exhausted, stressed, and anxious. Together, we will weigh the potential costs and benefits of perfectionism to find a balance. Using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), we will work on challenging those unhelpful thoughts and practice coping skills to ease the sense of panic or anxiety that may arise. We may also begin to practice exposures in session that aim to practice living with imperfections. For example, the client may be given a picture to draw and is not allowed to finish or restart the image. To support this process, we will continue to build on skills such as mindfulness and self compassion. Ideally, your child will leave therapy feeling grounded, balanced, and able to make healthy choices.
By addressing perfectionism early, we can help children and adolescents build a more balanced and resilient approach to challenges. They’ll learn that it’s not about being perfect… It's about doing their best, learning, and being kind to themselves along the way.
Read on it some more!
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Jordan Adamson, LPC
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