Grief is such a small word with such a big background. It’s confusing and frustrating, and tiring and much more all in one. And, it’s never fun.
Unfortunately, we will all experience grief in our lives, no matter our age. Some have it harder and experience grief far too early in their lifetime. No matter how much older you are when you experience it, it never gets easier. That’s pretty much the one fact about grief that never changes.
What Makes Someone Experience Grief?
Grief is a feeling that naturally comes when one experiences any type of loss in their life. This could be a close family member, a friend, and any other type of relationship. Grief is a way of coping. Grief looks different in everyone.
Some examples of what different types of loss that come before grief may include:
Loss of:
A loved one through death
A relationship due to breakup or divorce
A pet
A job or a significant life change
Health or physical abilities
Grief shows us that losing something can mean a variety of different things to others.
Stages of Grief
When there is a loss, grief will be one, two, or three steps behind. It may come in waves, it may come like a tsunami, and it may come like a small gust of wind in different directions.
I believe the start of grief is the first behavioral response from the news or from what they believe is the start of the truth. One might act surprised, sad, confused, and maybe even silly because they think it could be a joke.
Denial. It makes sense. One may have had such a stable schedule with a specific person or activity and when it stops, it might not make sense in their brain yet. Feeling numb in the moment can be part of the denial stage.
Anger. Anger comes when one is experiencing frustration or rage towards the person or situation. With every situation being different, the anger may look different as well. One might show more irritation, and someone else might show more aggression.
Bargaining. Someone (maybe you, maybe me) might not understand how “bargaining” can be brought into the stages of grief, but an explanation might help in that department. This stage can actually happen before or after the loss. It brings an “if only” mindset into the situation. For example, someone might promise to be a better person to not lose something or someone they love.
Depression. Unfortunately, I’m sure this one doesn’t come as a surprise. After losing someone or something, it can really negatively affect one’s mental health. They might isolate themselves and be overtaken by deep sadness and feelings of hopelessness. Feeling overwhelmed, confused, foggy, and heavy can be included into this stage.
Acceptance. There’s not a time that can be specified for when this stage comes. It takes time to be able to come to terms with the loss and to find a way to move forward. Just because “acceptance” doesn’t sound negative, learning to live with the loss can still be one of the most difficult stages for grief. On a positive note, this stage is where some may feel more comfortable to be more social again.
Ways to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
Understanding the stages of grief can help one who is supporting someone grieving. Keep the stages of grief in mind during their process. Try not to pressure them to do anything, even when they might appear to be in the acceptance stage. Either way, it’s important to respect their way of grieving and give them the space if needed.
Being present can mean so much to the person grieving, even if it may be hard for them to realize. Being present is supportive without being “overbearing”. Just being there can be so, so helpful. Don’t try to “fix” or provide solutions, especially without them asking for it. This is their process to figure out.
Something that would be also so, so helpful is offering practical help. This could be preparing meals or running errands for the person grieving. For kids, it could be adding a special dessert in their lunch or little positive notes around their environment.
Share memories and stories if the person grieving is comfortable hearing them. Doing this can help the person grieving remember the positives they had with their loved one. It may bring some sunlight into their darkness and foggy days.
Bring ideas to the table. For example, think about how they can remember whom or what they have lost. Such as, helping them create a memory box or scrapbook or planting a tree or garden in honor of their loved one. I believe starting a journal for their loved one can be a good idea. Since they can’t verbally talk to their loved one anymore, they can write it down and add pictures of what they’re writing about- similar to a scrapbook but add a twist.
Remember…
Even when these feelings of grief are everywhere in one’s mind, allow yourself to feel and express these emotions without judgment. Grief doesn’t have to look a certain way. In fact, it doesn’t look “a certain way”. Moving forward also does not mean forgetting. Memories will stay forever. Try to find the positives hiding behind the big negatives.
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Eliana Cohn, LSW
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