Talking to your children about divorce can be one of the most challenging conversations parents can have. There are so many potential worries that all parents think about and you simply don’t know how they’re going to react until you talk to them about it. When talking to them, it requires sensitivity, honesty, and reassurance. It requires acknowledging and validating how they feel and recognizing that while you two have had slightly more time to process through it, this may be a big shock to them or they may view it as a long time coming. Here are some steps you can take to help guide you through this delicate process and conversation.
Plan the conversation together (if possible): If both parents can talk to the children together, it shows a sense of unity and can help reduce confusion. Also, try to agree on key points to discuss, try to know as many answers as possible, and avoid placing blame on one another or any hostility.
Choose the “right” time and place: This is hard because there truly is never a right time to have difficult conversations. Although, try to pick a calm, quiet moment when everyone can be present and focused. Ensure there are no interruptions and allow enough time for any questions and any emotions that pop up. It can be helpful not to have anything going on right after this conversation is had.
Use simple, age-appropriate language: Tailor the explanation to your child’s age and understanding. While you want to be honest, you also want to make sure you are not telling them anything they don’t necessarily need to know. For example, for younger children, it sometimes can be as simple as, “Mommy and daddy won’t be living together anymore, but we still love you very much.” For older children, it can be slightly more elevated like, “We’ve decided to separate because we think it’s the best decision for our family, even though it’s very difficult.” Adjust the wording depending on your kids, as you know them and how they may potentially react best.
Reassure them it’s not their fault: Children sometimes blame themselves for a divorce. It’s important that you reassure them that they are not to blame. You can state that this was a decision you came to together because of the relationship and not because of anything they did. If they continue to bring that up, it can be helpful to have a deeper conversation with them if you think they are at the age where that’s appropriate.
Emphasize your love and stability: Make it clear that your love for them hasn’t changed. While that may seem obvious to some children, some children need to hear that, even repeatedly sometimes. An example of something to say may be, “Even though we won’t all live in the same house, we’ll always be your parents and love you forever.”
Be honest but keep it neutral: As mentioned above, children only need to know so much. Avoid blaming or badmouthing the other parent, even if emotions are high and you truly believe the other is to blame. Share only what is necessary and appropriate for their age.
Invite questions and validate their feelings: Encourage them to ask any questions that pop up and share their feelings, during the conversation or even after, no matter when that is. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or anything that they may be feeling. Ask them things like, “how do you feel about what we’ve shared?” but don’t push them to share if they are not fully ready. Normalize how they feel by saying things like, “it’s normal to feel upset about this, and we’re here to help you through it.”
Be prepared for emotional reactions: Children may cry, act out, withdraw, etc. Be patient and give them time to process everything. They may not know how to react or feel at first, and it can be helpful to continue to reassure them that no matter how they feel is valid. It’s also important for you to stay calm and validate their emotions without trying to “solve” or “fix” them immediately; let them feel what they’re feeling and process in healthy ways.
Share what will stay the same: While lots of things may be changing for them, there will also be lots of things that won’t. It can be good for kids to get reassurance about certain routines and relationships that will not change. For example, reminding them they will still go to the same school and see their friends or that they will continue to spend lots of time with both parents can be helpful for them to cope and process through this big adjustment they will be going through.
Follow up with them and provide ongoing support: Because this is such a big topic, they will have differing thoughts and feelings as they continue to work through this on their own. Revisit the conversation regularly to check in how they’re feeling. Encourage open communication so they know they can come to you if they have any questions.
Be patient with the adjustments: It’s important to understand that adjusting to divorce takes time, for everyone involved. Changes in behavior, sleep, and/or school performance are normal. Be consistent, loving, and available for them as they navigate through this.
Talking to your kids about divorce is never easy, but with honesty, empathy, and reassurance, you can help them feel as secure as possible during this transition. Remember that it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right away - what matters is being present and supportive as they process through their emotions. Every child will respond differently, so as mentioned, keep communication open, check in with them regularly, and be patient and validate their feelings. If needed, don’t hesitate to seek further professional support to help your family navigate through this time. At the end of the day, your love, stability, and willingness to listen will provide the healthy foundation they will need to feel safe and supported as your family finds its new normal.
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Emily Blair, ALMFT
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