One thing I often bring up in sessions when talking to parents about their young ones, is that it’s OK to ignore their child’s behavior. Now, let’s preface something- I don’t mean ignore everything they do (even though I’m sure that’s not possible anyway). But let’s be honest, sometimes children’s behaviors are not too appropriate in the moment or at all.
In this blog, I’ll bring up five reasons that may help you understand that “ignoring” is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that you’re not actively ignoring your child, just behaviors that they can learn to decrease.
Attention
There is negative attention and then there is positive attention.
Negative Attention
Negative attention-seeking behaviors might be a consistent behavior in your household. You may be witnessing these behaviors often, but also not know that it can be categorized as a negative attention-seeking behavior.
Negative attention-seeking behaviors can be:
Pushing, shoving, hitting, or kicking
Yelling, crying, or raising their voice
Running away
Interrupting, ignoring, or going against what the adult around them is telling them to do
Throwing things
Yes, these behaviors may be considered “negative behaviors,” and “seeking-attention” for the wrong reasons- but I also understand how these behaviors might be a “typical” behavior for the young ones. It doesn’t mean that it’s ok to behave like that. It takes hard work from you to lessen these behaviors.
So with this in mind, it’s fine to ignore these behaviors. If they end up doing their outburst for longer than normal for your child, that’s also normal. They will try harder to get the attention that they are seeking from you.
Now you might be thinking, “Eliana, what do I do if my child isn’t getting the message?”. I would say, you’re right- it’s a great question. It would be best for you to use gentle reminders about what you expect from them. And if they are having one of these outbursts because they are not getting what they want- remind them of their two options and stick to your ground. They will eventually understand that they can’t control you and that they can’t always get what they want.
But, if you end up giving them the attention they are actively searching for with the negative behaviors, they will consider that attention to be rewarding. The cycle will then continue. And that is called learned behavior. Learned behaviors may follow these children for a while, and if it happens, it’s hard to unlearn them. So ultimately, it may be beneficial to start ignoring their negative behaviors.
Positive Attention
Now with positive attention, your child may not always realize what they are doing is a truly good and respectful thing, so make it known that it is. For example, say how much you appreciate what they did and how much of a help they are. This will hopefully show them how to get the attention they want- by doing good things.
Other strategies that help with enforcing good behaviors are:
Reframing attention-seeking as connection-seeking
Rewarding them by telling them how much you appreciate them and their help or cooperation
Teaching calming strategies
Examples can be coping strategies like deep breathing and taking a break
Using honest communication
Remind them of the positives of being honest
Setting healthy boundaries
This will help them understand that they can’t always push you for what they are seeking for
Thoughts
Something else that I think could be important to know when dealing with negative behaviors is negative punishments. In my clinical opinion, I don’t believe negative punishments are the best way to change a behavior when something positive was recently given. For example, let's say someone rewarded their child with extra screen time because they did great with something. Now, if this child did something that wasn’t good, and this parent now takes away that already rewarded extra screen time- that would be something I don’t recommend.
There are also some other types of reward and punishment systems. These include negative reinforcements, positive reinforcements, and positive punishments. Even when I was in my psychology class days, these were a tad bit confusing. When you hear “positive” you might always want it to correlate to something good, but not necessarily in these terms. When talking about punishments and reinforcements, “positive” means adding something and “negative” means taking something away. Taking something away could also be a good thing. For example, if a child did something good, a parent can take away/decrease their chores.
Conclusion
I can understand how frustrating this would be on parents. I also can understand how it might be easy to let the unwanted behavior slide, but do you want to continue doing that? If you need motivation, think about what the future may hold! Good things take time and in the end, it'll all be rewarding for you, and for your children.
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Eliana Cohn, LSW
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