We’ve all been there. There’s a million things to do and absolutely nothing is going smoothly. The kids are screaming, there’s stains on your shirt, you can’t find your shoes, and your boss just sent you the most annoying message. You just want to SCREAM. But, you can’t because the kids are there or you’re at work or in public. But, you need to get those feelings out or else you might say or do something you’ll regret later. Let’s talk about some essential knowledge and strategies for keeping your cool when things are at their most uncool.
Anger gets in the way of everything
Okay, maybe not everything. But anger, while a necessary emotion, is often the determining factor for whether or not a situation gets handled well or poorly. Have you ever said or done something while you were angry that made you face-palm and wonder what the heck you were thinking later? Yeah, me too! When we feel anger, our brains stop working as they should. Studies show that cognitive ability decreases when anger increases. Which explains why you thought it was a good idea to shout mean things when you were angry. You didn’t have access to the reasoning abilities that you normally do. Anger is also experienced physically for most people- some clench their fists, some feel their face get red, some angry cry. Whatever it is, it’s often a body and brain experience.
We can’t avoid feeling angry
If we could all just not feel angry, I wouldn’t be writing this post! I often hear people say “I just need to not get angry” or “next time, I just will stop myself from getting angry”. My first question is always “how?” How do you stop yourself from getting angry when something objectively angering happens? It’s not unreasonable to be angry if someone calls you a name or cuts you off in traffic. Or if the kids are having one of those days where everything has to be complicated. All of that is objectively angering! Which means you should feel angry. So, it’s not about trying to not feel angry. It’s really about trying to find better ways to express and cope with our anger. Let’s talk about some easy to use strategies. And, I should note, that if anger is a big issue in your life, you should talk to your therapist or find a therapist because there may be some big things underlying that anger.
Ways to manage anger and keep your cool
Acknowledge your anger. Many people I’ve talked to think that acknowledging their anger will make it worse. In fact, the opposite is often true. This doesn’t mean you have to tell those around you that you’re angry. Simply saying to yourself “I’m angry” or “the kid’s nonsense is making me angry” is sufficient. Once you acknowledge that you’re angry, you’re more equipped to actually deal with it rather than bottle it up or pretend it isn’t there. When you acknowledge your anger, you may also remember that anger inhibits your cognitive abilities which will remind you to slow down and find ways to manage your anger before saying or doing anything you’ll regret.
Check your self-talk. Understandably, many of us have thoughts like “this stinks” or “ugh not again” or “I hate this” when anger arises. While these thoughts might be true, they may not be helping us as they reinforce the frustration and encourage us to continue to dwell on it. Finding ways to shift our self-talk to something like “this is really frustrating but I can get through it” or “I don’t like that we have to do this, but it won’t last forever” gives us an opportunity to acknowledge how uncool the situation is while also reminding us that we can get through it.
Recognize your anger signs. Do you feel the urge to cry when you’re angry? Does your face get hot? Do you feel like a monster is about to explode from your body? Do you mutter a constant stream of swear words under your breath? Recognizing the things you feel in your brain and body when you’re angry can go a long way in catching anger before it runs away from you. If you know that you’re likely to be swearing and clenching your fists when you’re angry, then you’re more likely to catch yourself doing those things before the anger gets out of hand. Self-knowledge is power!
Focus on the situation at hand. Oftentimes, anger from past situations- especially those that happen a lot and are always frustrating- bleeds into the current situation leaving us feeling a level 7 anger when the situation itself is actually a level 3. Keeping focused on just the situation at hand can help lessen the intensity. Then, at a later time when the emotions aren’t high, you can have conversations to address the repetitiveness of the situation that causes you anger.
Find effective coping strategies. There are too many possible strategies to list here. I’ll give a few ideas, but everyone has to find the strategies that work for them. And, everyone needs a variety of strategies that can be used in a variety of settings. You can’t be punching pillows in the conference room at work, am I right?
Blow off steam. Go for a walk or a run. Lift weights. Do push-ups. Many people find that doing physical things not only releases physical tension, but it helps them find clarity and get out of their head for a while.
Use temperature changes. Splash cold water on your face. Hold ice cubes in your hand. Take a cold shower or cold plunge. Using this strategy helps give your nervous system a jolt and reset yourself.
Find mantras that help you keep perspective. “I can get through this”, “I’m not letting anyone else ruin my day today”, “nothing lasts forever, I’ll get to go home soon”. Repeat your helpful mantras as much as you need them.
Mindfulness. Mindful breathing exercises and visualizations can help you slow down and disconnect from your anger. Once your body and mind have slowed down, you can revisit the situation with a more objective eye.
Write down your angry throughs and then rip them up and throw them away. Some people find it helpful to get their thoughts out of their heads and throwing them away can signify that you shouldn’t listen to your angry thoughts or believe them as 100% truth.
Keeping anger in check can be really challenging. But, we don’t need to make it harder on ourselves by trying to not feel anger at all! Let it be okay to be angry and find strategies to manage it that work for you! And, as always, talk to your therapist about anger if it’s something you’re dealing with!
Written By,
Alyssa Onan, LPC
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