Anger is a normal emotion that every person experiences. Some may feel it more than others, and some may react to that feeling more intensely or differently than others. While people may experience and express anger differently, managing it in a constructive manner is key to maintaining emotional well-being as well as healthy relationships.
We may find that our anger comes out on the wrong people, whether it’s on our partner, our kids, our friends, it’s important to know how to manage it in a way that allows you to process your feelings without negatively impacting others. Anger is an emotion and can be a response to perceived threats or frustrations. It’s not inherently bad, and when it’s well-managed, it can have positive effects; for example, highlighting unmet needs or boundaries that need attention or motivating action or change in unhealthy situations. However, when anger is expressed in a more destructive way, it can cause harm to relationships, self-esteem, and your overall health at times.
First, it’s important to understand your anger and what that looks like and feels like for you. Like mentioned above, everyone feels and experiences anger differently, so knowing what irks you and what it feels like in your body can help to find ways for you to cope and process through it in a healthier way. Identify your triggers; are their specific situations, people, or patterns that escalate your anger? Some examples of that may be being/feeling ignored, feeling disrespected, or unmet expectations. We cannot always know when triggers are going to happen, but when we can prepare as much as possible, that can help us to reduce the reaction that may come with that anger.
Notice physical symptoms within yourself. Anger often shows up in your body before your mind catches up. Physical cues may look like a racing heart, clenched jaw or fists, tension in shoulders, tight chest, and/or a heated sensation; whatever it is for you, try to identify and acknowledge when that feeling/frustration starts building so that we can manage it before it’s “too late.” It can also be helpful to explore root causes of your anger, as anger often masks deeper emotions like fear, insecurity, hurt, disappointment, etc. Pictured below is something called “the anger iceberg,” which you may or may not be familiar with. This is something I use with my clients to help them explore their anger a little more and to help them better understand and figure out “why am I really feeling this way?”
Now that we’ve talked through ways to understand our anger more, let’s look at some constructive ways to better manage these feelings. It’s going to sound cliche and I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times, but practice deep breathing. When we intentionally focus on our breathing and slow it down, it truly has a physical impact on our body, regulating our nervous system and preventing reactive responses. Try the square breathing method (breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breath out for 4 seconds, and hold for 4 seconds) or just take deep breaths for a few minutes, intentionally focusing on your breathing. Keep doing this until you notice your body starting to relax.
It’s also helpful to pause and think before reacting. This is much easier said than done, but try and count to 10 or step away from the situation to cool off rather than reacting or speaking immediately. Use this time to collect your thoughts and decide on a more constructive response. With this, it’s important to remember to respond, instead of react. Avoid impulsive actions, and take time to process how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking before expressing them.
Reframing your thoughts can also help to understand what’s really upsetting you. Challenge irrational or exaggerated thoughts that are most likely fueling your anger. Instead of thinking “This always happens,” try, “This is frustrating, but it’s temporary and I will get through it.” Focus on allowing yourself to feel upset, while also trying to solve the problem rather than assigning blame.
When we have processed through our thoughts and feelings, and identified it’s a better time to express ourselves, make sure we focus on doing it in a calm way. Use “I”-statements to avoid accusations or escalating conflict. Instead of “You never listen to me!” try “I feel hurt when I’m not listened to, and I’d like us to work on our communication.” When we approach conversations without blaming others or talking in a defensive manner, the other person is much more likely to be open to what we have to say and validate our feelings.
Find healthy outlets to let out your energy that all those feelings may be bringing you. Engaging in physical activities like running, walking, and/or hitting the gym can help release some tension, as well as yoga or stretching to help calm your body and mind. Creative expression, like drawing, writing, playing music, etc., is also a great way to help yourself process through challenging emotions.
Sometimes it can feel “easier” to bottle up our anger, for many different reasons, but it can actually make things much more difficult when we do that. It can lead to increased resentment or more explosive outbursts. We sometimes think we’re doing a good thing by not talking about what upsets us, but in turn, we trade short-term discomfort with long-term dysfunction. When we let anger take over, it can also lead to us impacting our relationships in a negative way. Make sure to have healthy outlets for yourself to let out that pent-up energy, rather than unintentionally criticizing someone’s character because we’re so mad at a certain issue.
Here are a few other tips to help with long-term anger management:
Practice mindfulness: Stay present and observe your emotions without judgement. Practice meditation or progressive muscle relaxation to help reduce overall stress and anger.
Set healthy boundaries: Learn to say no when you need/want to and advocate for your needs assertively to prevent feelings of frustration or resentment from building up.
Increase your emotional awareness: Journaling about your feelings can clarify patterns and help you better understand your triggers, as everyone’s are different. If journaling is not for you, think about your patterns, draw them out, prioritize your mental and emotional health.
Practice gratitude: Shift your focus to the positives in your life by listing things you’re grateful for daily. Gratitude can help reframe your perspective and reduce reactive anger.
Know when to walk away: If you feel your anger or frustration is escalating, give yourself permission to exit the situation temporarily. Let others know that you need some time to cool down, and you will talk about it later when you’re ready.
Questions to ask yourself: What exactly triggered my anger? Is my reaction proportionate to the situation? Am I upset about the current issue, or is this tied to past experiences or unresolved feelings? What is in my control that I can do to help resolve the situation?
Again, anger is a normal emotion that everybody feels. It’s not something to be ashamed of, but it is also something that should be expressed in a healthy and appropriate way. Identify what you need to do to help better manage your emotions, and don’t be afraid to seek further help and support if you find it’s too much to do on your own.
Written By,
Emily Blair, ALMFT
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