Navigating Different Parenting Styles in a Relationship

Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet challenging journeys a couple can embark on together. But what happens when you and your partner have different approaches and ways of raising your children? Whether it’s bedtime routines, discipline, or screen time limits, differing parenting styles can create tension if not handled with understanding and coming from a place of teamwork. The good news is that these differences that may come up don’t have to divide you, but they can be an opportunity to grow stronger as a couple and as parents.

Understanding each other’s parenting styles:

The first step in navigating different parenting styles is recognizing where they come from. Often, our approach to parenting is shaped by how we were raised, as we pick up a lot from our childhood. For example, one partner may value structure and discipline, while the other may prioritize flexibility and emotional connection. Instead of assuming one approach is “right” or “wrong,” take the time to discuss why each of you feels strongly about certain aspects of parenting. This can help increase mutual respect rather than conflict. Let’s look at an example of positive communication regarding this:

• Partner A: “Growing up, I had a strict bedtime, and I think it helped me develop good routines. That’s why I feel strongly about our kids going to be at the same time every night.

• Partner B: “I understand that. My parents were more relaxed, and I liked the freedom. Maybe we can set a bedtime but allow some flexibility on weekends?”

By explaining personal experiences rather than accusing or dismissing, both partners can gain insight into each other’s perspectives and more likely be more willing to understand where the other is coming from.

Finding common ground:

While your parenting styles may differ, the ultimate goal remains the same: raising happy, healthy, and well-adjusted children. Focus on your shared values. Whether it’s teaching kindness, fostering independence, or ensuring a strong education, identifying these core principles will help you develop a more unified parenting approach, even if your methods differ. Here is an example of compromising on common ground:

• Issue → One parent prefers strict rules, while the other prefers a more relaxed approach, but both parents value the positive relationship they have with their children.

• Partner A: “I worry that if we don’t set firm rules, our children won’t understand boundaries.”

• Partner B: “I get that. But I also think if we’re too strict, they might not feel comfortable coming to us with their problems.”

• Compromise: “What if we set clear rules but also give them space to express their feelings and have some flexibility?”

Compromising without resentment:

Compromise is essential when blending parenting styles. If one parent prefers strict bedtime routines and the other is more relaxed, consider setting a bedtime with some flexibility, as mentioned above. If discipline is a form of contention, agree on a middle ground that ensures consistency for your child while respecting both parents’ perspectives. The key is to approach compromise with a team mentality rather than viewing it as “giving in.” Here’s an example of addressing that:

• Scenario → One parent prefers consequences, like time-outs, while the other believes in talking things through.

• Partner A: “I feel like when we just talk to him, he doesn’t take it seriously.”

• Partner B: “I get that, but I don’t want him to associate mistakes with punishment. Maybe we can do a mix - talk to him first, and if the behavior continues, use a consequence like cut down screen time or a short time-out?”

By framing the conversation as problem-solving rather than criticism, both partners can feel heard and respected.

Presenting a united front:

Children thrive on consistency, so even when you and your partner don’t fully agree, it’s important to present as a united front. Discuss disagreements privately and try to avoid contradicting each other in front of your children. If they sense division, they may use it to their advantage, leading to confusion and potential conflicts. It’s important to work together to establish rules and expectations that you can both enforce consistently. Let’s look at an example of handling a disagreement in front of your child:

• Instead of saying → “See? This is why I told you we shouldn’t let him stay up late!”

• Try → “Let’s talk about this together and figure out what works best for our family.”

Learning from each other:

Different parenting styles aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, they can complement each other and create a more well-rounded approach. A more structured parent can help instill discipline and responsibility, while a more laid-back parent can encourage creativity and emotional resiliency. Instead of viewing your differences as obstacles, it can be helpful to view them as opportunities to learn from each other to create a balanced parenting dynamic.

• Partner A: “You’re really good at being patient and explaining things. I want to be better at that.”

• Partner B: “Thank you for saying that. And I admire how you stick to routines. I think our kids benefit from both of our strengths.

It is nice to hear our partner say something they appreciate about us, especially when it’s something we may not always see eye to eye on.

Communicating with patience and respect:

Parenting is an ongoing journey, and differences will arise along the way. Keeping communication open, respectful, and patient is crucial. Set aside time to check in with each other about what’s working and/or what needs adjusting. If conflicts become overwhelming, consider seeking guidance from a parenting coach or therapist to help navigate the differences in a constructive way. Here’s an example of a productive way to check in:

• “How do you think things have been going with discipline? Do you feel like we need to adjust anything?”

• “I noticed bedtime has been a struggle lately. What do you think we can do differently?”

By checking in regularly, you can proactively address concerns before they become major conflicts.

Different parenting styles don’t have to create division in your relationship. With open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to compromise, you and your partner can find a parenting approach that works for both of you and your whole family. Remember, parenting is a team effort, and embracing each other’s strengths will ultimately benefit both your relationship and your children.

At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.

Written By,

Emily Blair, ALMFT

www.cuttingedge-therapy.com