Ever heard someone say “not with that attitude” after you’ve said “I can’t do this”? That person might have a point. Self-talk is our internal narrative, or the conversations we have with ourselves. Our self-talk can determine whether we lean optimistic or pessimistic. It can motivate us or paralyze us. It can be the difference between success and failure. Let’s talk about why how we think can go a long way.
We all can probably think of people who are always super positive and optimistic and others who are always super negative and pessimistic. Imagine the differences in mood between those two types of people. Who’s more likely to look to the future, feel confident in overcoming obstacles, and be in a good mood more often than not? Who’s going to be the downer of the group or the one who always finds a reason to be upset? The things we tell ourselves inside our heads- or maybe out loud to ourselves- greatly impact our mood and outlook. It can also impact our decision making, our relationships, confidence, and emotional regulation. The tricky thing is, self-talk often happens so automatically, we might not recognize its impact on us. But never fear! We can change that!
Think back to something you were excited about. Were your thoughts focused on how much fun you’ll have? Were they expecting something to go wrong and ruin your plans? Now think about a time that something didn’t go according to plan. Did you try to make the best of it or solve the problem at hand? Was this another example of how nothing goes right for you? If your thoughts were focused on the positive or on problem-solving and resilience, you’re on the right track! If your thoughts were focused on how things might go wrong or how bad things always happen, you may benefit from learning some strategies to reframe!
Reframing doesn’t mean looking for the sliver lining in everything. Finding the silver lining can be a helpful strategy, but sometimes there isn’t a bright side. But you can still reframe your thoughts to focus on resiliency or encouragement. For example, rather than saying “this is terrible, I will never finish it” you could say “I won’t like doing this but I can finish it if I take it one step at a time”. Or if your flight was delayed and you missed the first night of your trip you can choose to focus on how much it stinks that you missed some of the trip or you can choose to focus on how you still have the rest of your trip to enjoy. Any time we can find a way to focus on the good in a situation or acknowledge the challenge while also acknowledging our ability to succeed or get through it, we are setting ourselves up for more positive outlooks. We may always have negative thoughts- we can’t control that sometimes. But we can control how we respond to those thoughts and how much we engage with them!
We can work to improve our self-talk outside of difficult situations too. Starting each day with a mantra or two that remind you that you’re capable and can overcome obstacles can go a long way in starting the day on the right foot. You know how they say “you are what you eat”? You’re also what you think! Or rather, your mood is what you think! Set yourself up for success by using positive self-talk rather than negative self-talk. Stick a post-it with a helpful reminder on your bathroom mirror. Put a reminder on your phone to think positively. Stand in front of the mirror and repeat a mantra 5 times. Whatever you need to help remind yourself you’re strong, capable, smart, awesome, etc!
Working on improving our self-talk won’t make all pain in our lives go away. That’s impossible. But it can help us feel more resilient, capable, and optimistic for the future. Improving our self-talk doesn’t mean ignoring negative aspects of a situation or pretending everything is great when it’s not. It means acknowledging the challenge and focusing on finding ways to move forward or solve the problem rather than dwelling. When we can see things more objectively and hold belief that we are capable and can overcome challenges, we are more likely to make better decisions and interact with loved ones in more productive ways. So, the next time you find yourself confronted with a challenge- big or small- check your self-talk! If you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, look for ways to reframe! You can do it! (See what I did there?)
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Alyssa Onan, LPC
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